How I Met Mr. Right Part III….my second internet date

The date with Fedora Guy was scheduled for the Saturday afternoon following the date with Cute Glasses.  As I previously mentioned, Fedora Guy had an intriguing match.com profile and it really seemed like he liked to have a good time.  Our email conversations were quality and I felt that he was smart and came from a good family.  I imagined him as a suave international type, very tall dark and handsome. 

Fedora Guy’s estimated time of arrival came and went.  Strike one that he was running late to a first date.  My cell phone rang and it was Fedora Guy explaining he was lost.  I guided him to my apartment parking lot over the phone.  I cringed as I watched him pull up in a white hatch back mom car.  It was not at all suave or international.  I walked toward the front door to greet my date.  His head was not visible as I peeped out the peek hole of the front door.  This was not possible!  The profile specifically told me that he was over 6 foot tall.  Remember, that was one of my superficial needs. 

The nightmare was revealed when I opened the door: not only was Fedora Guy short but he wore man sandals (mandals) and a man purse (murse).  The mandals were Jesus style and unbuckled…I wondered how they stayed on his feet.  The murse was army inspired and bluging, what in gods name did he have in there?  As if these crimes against fashion were not heinous enough, he dared to “pop” his collar.  It was too late to run and hide, I had already answered the door.  I told myself, to suck it up and go on the date.  I was a big girl and I owed it to this person to give him a chance. 

Turns out that Fedora Guy planned on taking me to an Arboretum.  Having never been before I was interesting in walking around and checking out the scenery.  Perhaps the afternoon would turn out to be fun. Upon arrival, he paid our entrance fee.  I offered to chip in but he refused my contribution.  While approaching the gardens, Fedora Guy pulled a giant camera out of the murse.  He explained that photography was his hobby and he indented to shoot pictures during our date.  Fedora Guy said that he would email me then pictures so I could remember our time together.  I turned my head a rolled my eyes (the blog is called diary of a hater after all). 

Fedora Guy talked about himself and barely asked any questions about me.  This solidified the fact that we really didn’t have anything in common.  I would try to disagree with him or sound disinterested to avoid the prospect of a second date.  The chemistry just was not there and I felt that I had humored Fedora Guy enough after an hour or so walking around the Arboretum.  I told him my allergies were bothering me and that I would like to go home.  Fedora Guy protested.  He wanted to shoot some photos of me smelling the flowers.  Had we been less then ten miles from my home I might have run.  At this point, the date turned ugly.

At the risk of being a horrible bitch, I told Fedora Guy that under no circumstances was I comfortable with him taking my photograph.  We only met that day and I felt it too soon for Fedora Guy to have my image in his personal archives.  With the advancements of Photoshop he could have used my picture for anything and I could not allow it.  I imagine my photo on his Facebook with the caption, “my new girlfriend.”  No no no!

Fedora Guy changed the subject.  A couple minutes later, he saw a sculpture in the distance.  I suggested we go and take a closer look as the statues were halfway between our path and the parking lot.  Next step…freedom!   As I approached the sculpture, I heard it, “click, click, click.”  It was the camera.  I whirled around and pointed a finger at Fedora Guy.  I told him I specifically asked him not to take my picture.  I demanded that he delete the images and he take me home.  No more Miss Nice Guy; I had it. 

Before his car came to a complete stop at my apartment, I jumped out.  I do not even recall if I said “thank you” or “goodbye”.  Stick a fork in Fedora Guy because he was done.  It was a total disappointment.  Our email chat was great and we seemed to have “in person” potential.  Alas, it did not work out.  I hoped Cute Glasses would call for another date.

Email Diss of Random Set Up Guy…the road to Mr. Right

This post is dedicated to Friend Blue who was looking through her email archives today and forwarded me this email chain for blog material.  While I was editing the emails for the sake of anonymity, I realized that these emails took place the morning of the Cute Glasses date.  Meaning, the following day was the date with Fedora Guy.  How ironic!

Here is the background…Before I signed up for match.com a friend set me up with her husband’s bother.  We met for happy hour one night and ended up having a good time.  I was interested in another date but when he called me for the next date, he invited me over to his house.  Since we only met once, I declined the offer, thinking that it might be too soon to hang out at his house.  Sitting around on the couch together seems a little too intimate for two people that just met.  Plus, I thought that he should try harder to impress me (I’m the prize!).   I told him that I was busy over the weekend but free the following week.  I told him if he wanted to get together and GO OUT to give me a call.    

I was surprised to get another email from him asking me out.  Please take a gander: 

From: Random Fix Up Guy
Sent: Friday, A long time ago
To: MB
Subject: hey

Hey MB-  It’s absolutely beautiful outside right now.  I’m working from home and loving it.  I plan on going to the pool for an hour as well, should be a productive day. 😉

How was dinner last night?  I worked in a retirement home for a year in Highschool [sic].  I eventually became the co-chef, they loved my soups.

So, I’m interested in taking you out tonight.  What are your plans?

——————————————————————————————————–

To: Random Fix Up Guy
From: MB
Date: A long time ago
Subject: RE: hey

Hey Random Fix Up Guy,

I am very jealous as I am sitting in my dimly lit cube which is not window facing.  I plan to head outside for lunch and read a few more chapters of my book. 

Dinner was nice–actually my Grandmom was on life support in May so it is amazing to have conversations with her and realize that her memory and cognitive abilities are just as they were before the incident.  It is amazing what people are capable of doing if they have their head in the right place.

You are seriously gonna stop asking me out when I tell you that I already have plans tonight.  You gotta get on the schedule at least 24/48 hours ahead of time, as I am a very busy lady (had the date with cute glasses that night)

Enjoy the pool,

 MB

 ——————————————————————————————————-

From: Random Fix Up Guy
Sent: A long time ago
To: MB
Subject: RE: hey

Yep.  If you’re ever interested, you know how to find me.

Random Fix Up Guy
——————————————————————————————————–

To: Random Fix Up Guy
From: MB
Date: A long time ago
Subject: RE: hey

Seriously?  That was pretty rude….

 ——————————————————————————————————-

From: Random Fix Up Guy
Sent: A long time ago
To: MB
Subject: RE: hey

That definitely wasn’t meant to sound rude.  All I’m saying is the ball’s in your court now, because there are only so many rejections a man can take. 😉

Glad to hear your grandma is getting better.  Meant to put that in my last email as well.

Random Fix Up Guy

——————————————————————————————————–

From: MB
Sent: A long time ago
To: Friend Green; Friend Blue
Subject: RE: hey

I am honestly pissed.  Like SUPER pissed.

——————————————————————————————————–

From: Friend Blue
Sent: A long time ago
To: MB; Friend Green
Subject: RE: hey

do NOT ENGAGE IN AN EMAIL WAR.  he is terminated.  DELETE and RADIO SILENCE!

——————————————————————————————————

From: MB
Sent: Along time ago
To: Friend Green; Friend Blue
Subject: RE: hey

OK, but here is what I would like to say.  I will write it for fun to you:

Dear Random Fix Up Guy,

Because I intend never to speak with you again I would like to offer some friendly dating advice.  First, one should never ask a lady over to ones place for second date.  This gesture comes across sleazy and leads the woman to believe that she is being asked to come over not to “watch baseball” or “have dinner” but rather to satisfy your physical urges. Secondly, I urge you to listen to the the words that come out of said woman’s mouth.  If she explicitly states, “I don’t care about baseball”, then don’t be so crass as to use baseball as lure to bring her to your lair, how amateur.  Thirdly, when the polite and demur lady offers personal tidbits about horrific family tragedies it is always in your best interest to acknowledge them, to not would be deemed unforgivably inconsiderate.   Lastly, it is your responsibility to contact a lady well in advance to when asking her to spend time with you.  It is undeniable that she leads a busy lifestyle as she is worldly and important .  Have the courtesy to work yourself into her schedule and take the opportunity to remind the woman how infinitely wonderful she is by choosing an establishment that reflects her sophistication and beauty.  That being said, in summation, you should always proceed with the mindset that you are trying to convince the object of your affection that you are not the despicable creep that she believe you to be, because I assure you Random Fix Up Guy, that is precisely what she is thinking.

Kind Regards,

MB

Love Guru

Thanks Friend Blue, that was a good one!  More tomorrow~MB

Random Vent…I am getting old (and crotchety)

I have a good friend that works in law firm, John.  Recently, John and I got together for drinks and discussed recent college graduates in the workplace.  We deduced that the recent breed of workplace newcomers suffers from laziness couples with an extreme sense of entitlement.  Perhaps it is because they are the first generation of internet users that are accustomed to the instant gratification present-day technology provides.  They have TV “on demand” and the ability to access information with the click of a button.  At their age, they never knew life without the ease of cell phones.  Are they missing the hustle gene?

On the brink of thirty, we have been upstanding members of the workforce for about eight years.  John is a senior paralegal at his firm and works on a team of five.  The team has one administrative assistant dedicated to all five paralegals, Jen.  John was a part of the interview and hiring process that brought Jen on board the team.  In the interview, she came off as intelligent and eager to start work in this dismal economy.  Jen was thrilled to have a job offer and promised to impress the team with her work ethic.

Fast-forward five months.  Jen was rolling into the office at 9:15am, no phone calls, no warning just showing up late.  John approached her about the schedule and politely reminded her that the workday began at 9:00am.  Jen corrected her habit for about two weeks and then went back to coming and going at her leisure.  John is the senior person on is team but he is not Jen’s manager so he does not have the capability to write her up.  He brought the situation to his boss but his boss did not see it as a high priority issue. 

Meanwhile, John would drop work off for Jen to complete by the end of the day.  Jen would protest and claim that another team member gave her tasks for the same day.  She feigned that she was overwhelmed and pushed the work back on John.  One day, out of curiosity, John approached his other teammate to find out which project was taking up most of Jen’s time.  The other teammate told John that he had not given anything to Jen in weeks.  Last time he tried to give her something to work on, she claimed that she was helping John.  Therefore, Jen was giving everyone the run-around.  She would pawn off assignments by lying about her current workload. 

Additionally, John sat in earshot of Jen.  He could hear her calling friends and family; she was chatting the day away.  Facebook updates and texting took up a large majority of the workday.  Again, he brought the facts to the higher ups.  They note the feedback but it seemed that Jen never faced any consequences.  Of course, John’s hope is that one day Jen is exposed to someone who has the power to rectify that situation. Until that time, he could spend evenings in the bar venting to me about his lack of a true assistant. 

I have heard many variations on a theme of this story.  The other day a recent college grad I know explained that she kept a litany of excuses handy when in college.  She used them to email professors to get deadline extension for her courses.  I asked her if she ever went to the professor in person to ask for an extension.  She assured me email had better results as it was easier to lie about one’s situation and whereabouts under the cover of an email.

Young people out of college in this economy should be jumping at a chance to prove themselves in the work place.  Instead, they display of sense of entitlement and have no interest in ownership and responsibility.  I know that there are exceptions but these lazy people slip through the cracks and beat the system.  After all, Jen is still collecting her paycheck and barely has to do anything to earn it. 

I guess that every generation of jaded thirty-somethings looks to the younger generation and complains that work ethic just ain’t what it used to be.  The good old days were before cell phones, text messages and dishonest emails.  Perhaps John and I are jealous old hags who resent our professional lives and live to complain about those who “have it easier”.  It is possible that I spent my adulthood complaining about my parents and teachers so now I’ll spend my adulthood complaining about those damn kids?  Maybe this rant is a right of passage…does my vent mean I am getting…GASP….OLD?

 Back to Mr. Right tomorrow.

How I Met Mr. Right Part II….my first internet date

I had trouble picking out the right outfit for Cute Glasses.  It was the beginning of August so I went wore a fitted brown tank top and flared jeans.  I parked near the establishment and went in what I thought was the front door.  I did not see Cute Glasses in the bar area so I walked through the bar to the restaurant section.  There was another entrance there and I saw a tall dark haired man standing in the doorway.  Cute Glasses noted that he was six foot on his profile and this man seemed much taller.   When he turned around, I recognized his face from his profile picture.  Cute Glasses had opted for contacts that night and sans glasses, his face was even cuter.  He had broad shoulders and a chiseled handsomeness; I imagined him naked.  I know…terrible.

I waved and he approached with a friendly smile.  I congratulated myself for joining match.com and being such an excellent date selector!   We were seated and the waitress took our drink orders.  I opted for a Grey Goose Dirty martini and watch his eyes widen…he asked for a glass of what I believe was bourbon on the rocks.  The “Millionaire Match Maker” says that you should never have more than two alcoholic drinks on a first date.  So, I figure if I can only have two I might as well make them as powerful as possible.

The conversation was typical first date banter.  We talked mostly about our jobs and friends.  We compared college stories.  I left out the bit about Pizza Bagel and the stabbing…seemed too much too soon (hah).   He seemed nervous but I still found him attractive.  I decided almost immediately that I would agree to a second date if Cute Glasses was interested.  He did an impersonation of Christopher Waken…it was weird.  I laughed to be polite and I figured it really wasn’t a deal breaker.  The server asked us if we would like dessert; Cute Glasses suggested that we go somewhere else.  I agreed and Cute Glasses picked up the check.  I offered him money and he politely declined.  Good man.

Out in front of the restaurant, Cute Glasses told me that he wanted to go the ice cream stand up the road.  I was disappointed because I knew that ice cream hut did not have a liquor license!  Damn.  Cute Glasses wanted me to follow him in my car to the next destination.  The place was right up the road and we were currently parallel parked on the street, I did not want to move my car just to have to parallel park all over again.  Cute Glasses read my female look of unhappiness and offered to drive us both.  I agreed deducing that Cute Glasses was not a mass murderer. 

We pulled up to the ice cream joint that was connected to a gas station.  The cars could park in the gas station, which was closed at night, in order to patron the ice cream stand.  We got our desserts and Cute Glasses realized that there was no vacant outside seating.  He grew uncomfortable and suggested that we lean on his car.  He seemed embarrassed at his choice of after dinner haunts and repeatedly apologized for bringing me to the gas station.  I tried to make a joke of it and even reached out to touch his arm.  I meant it to be a “there, there” calming gesture but Cute Glasses jumped about one hundred feet.  I started to think that I misjudged Cute Glasses and maybe he was a bit of a head case.  

Cute Glasses gave me a ride back to my car.  I was put off by his reaction to my arm touch so I said goodbye and reached for the door handle.  He asked for a hug which obviously came as a surprise.  I gave him a sideways glance and a half hearted hug and exited the vehicle.  I went back to my apartment generally confused.  I was attracted to Cute Glasses but he came off a little quirky…quite possibly afraid of me.  He would call me if he was interested in date number two.  Depending how things went with Fedora the next day, maybe Cute Glasses would be a distant memory.  The future had yet to be determined.

Side Thought…Break Ups

If you broke up with someone, then you did it for a good reason.  I’m not talking about “I never want to speak to you again!” in the throes of an argument.  I am talking about the packed moving boxes lock stock and smoking barrel break up.  If you decided you wanted to end things with someone, told them your reasons then moved on… IT IS OVER.  You made a rational adult decision guided by facts and feelings.  Trust your instincts.  Don’t go back.  Don’t revisit it. 

The same holds true when you are on the receiving end of the break up.  If someone decided that they don’t want to be with you then grieve and move on.   She/he might come back to reconcile but don’t believe that is the case.  For most people, returning to an ex is only for an ego stroke.  She/he broke up with you, went out into the world only to find it was not as kind as they expected.  They got hurt or disappointed and want to be comforted…who better to comfort then the ex that didn’t want things to end in the first place?

I have been on both ends of this equation and it never works.  Go out and buy yourself a copy of the book, “It’s called a Break Up because it is Broken.”  Follow the “Break up Commandments” and distance yourself from the person who you dumped/dumped you.  Keeping an ex in your life will only stunt the growth of your future.

Vent over… I’ll just let Ben Harper explain… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FSkL9hMhpE

How I met Mr. Right…Part I

After a summer filled with bar hopping and an endless string of parties, I decided to take dating into my own hands.  As I mentioned in my prior post, the bar scene failed to produce any dating prospects with longevity.  I was spending the night in with a good friend sipping wine and discussing how to take control of our dating destiny.  We decided to whip out the credit cards and join Match.com.  All those late night bar photo shoots now came in handy as we created our profiles.

I kept my profile simple, about 6 recent pictures and a short but honest “about me” blurb.  They asked for your philosophy on love and I quoted Ben Stein’s “Lessons on Love”.  He uses ROI (return on interest) to explain a healthy relationship. The returns on your investment should at least equal the cost of the investment. If you are getting less back than you put in over a considerable period of time, back off.” (http://www.businesspundit.com/ben-steins-eight-lessons/)

Match.com also asks for a tag line, a sentence that will appear next to your picture for potential suitors scanning the pool of available women.  I  put the most obviously true statement I could think of, “I’m awesome.” I have a weird sense of humor, so if a guy could see the humor in such a tag line then he might be a good match for me.  My friend agreed that the profile was a fair reflection of my personality. After setting up my information, I looked at the males in my area.  If the pictures grabbed my attention I would open up their page but if they were not at least 6 feet tall I would click out and on to the next.  My friend was appalled.  How could I be so superficial?  Well, that is the beauty of the internet. Go for exactly what you like.  Initial chemistry is based on physical attraction so might as well cement that first.

One guy I came upon looked exotic and appeared in a fedora.  I winked at him.  Another with cute glasses and an adorable smile also caught my attention.  I winked at him too.  By then the wine and the chastising friend wore me down and I went to bed.  I was excited about the new adventure and wondered if anything would come of my three-month membership.

The next morning I woke up to twenty plus emails on my blackberry.  Now, I am an attractive woman but I had no idea that so many people would try to communicate with me.  A large majority of the emails said, “You’re pretty” or “Hey Sexy!”.  Delete.  Delete.   Delete.  I did not join the service to hook up.  I was looking for an actual relationship.  I did not respond to any one-liners.  The person had to write something that impressed me and demonstrated that he actually read my profile and something other then my photogenic smile appealed to him.  I had to have internet dating standards if I was going to find someone worth dating.

Fedora Guy and Cute Glasses both emailed me back with friendly banter.  They both read my profile and had intelligent and funny things to say.  They had stable jobs and were interested in meeting me in person.  I was at the beach that week but arraigned the dates for the following week.  Dinner with Cute Glasses on Friday Night and a day date with Fedora Guy the next morning.  Cute Glasses forwarded me a list of three restaurants and asked me to choose which one I liked best.  A nice approach because he had done the majority of the planning but left the choice of establishments up to me.  I also liked that he was planning on a dinner, which seemed more chivalrous then just drinks. Fedora Guy planned a mystery date, which would take place out doors.  Do not worry; I made sure it was a public place!  I looked forward to both dates, feeling that they had equal potential based on our online communications.

Tune in tomorrow to hear about the dates…you’re on your way to meeting my Mr. Right.  Can you guess which one he is?

Meeting Someone…not so easy

http://blogs.phillymag.com/the_philly_post/2010/08/20/in-your-30s-and-still-single-its-your-fault/

Check out this article from Philadelphia Magazine written by contributor Monica Mandell, Ph.D.  She implies if you are and single and dating with no long-term prospects then perhaps, you need to reevaluate yourself.   Monica suggests that work habits or past experience might cause people inadvertently sabotage their relationships.  Monica has some valid points; self-exploration is a great tool when it comes to quality of relationships.  However, Monica does not touch on the main problem hindering single people I know.  They do not meet quality people.

Monica suggests throwing a party to meet new people.  Let’s get real…we are talking about 30-year-olds.  In many ways, their social circles are set and meeting new people is not as easy as it was in college.  I am not saying this cannot happen but the older we get the more people in our social circle are married.  As time ticks by, the pool of potential partners narrows.  If you have a steady job and set group of friends meeting new people is not as easy as hosting a get-together.

When I was single, I participated in different organized activities after work in the hopes of meeting new people.  I did not find anyone worth dating during said activities but I did meet new friends and expand my social circle.  This at least gave me new people to venture out with on the weekends to explore the bar scene.  The bar was not a good place to meet men.  The potential suitors were in their early twenties and I, being in my late twenties, was looking for someone my own age.  It is difficult to have quality conversation in that environment and at least in my experience, it was hard to weed the nice people out of the crowd.

I eventually found Mr. Right online.  I used match.com and had a successful experience.  (I plant to share the complete story of MB and Mr. Right in the future).  Mr. Right happened to be on of my first online dates so I did not have to suffer through any horrible dates to find him.  I do however have friends that did not experience the same outcome.  Internet dating can have it’s own complications when people embellish their profiles or look nothing like their profile pictures.

Alas, I know that meeting the right person is not a hopeless situation but I do believe that it is one of the most challenging.  In addition, the key is recognizing a good thing when you have it and holding onto it.  Next week’s blog will be dedicated to “how we met” stories.  If your married or in a relationship you’ll enjoy the stories purely from a content standpoint.  However, if you are single and looking I hope that you will find some inspiration and know that you too can find happiness.  I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone if a relationship is what you seek.

If you would like to share your “how we met story” I welcome contributions.  If you know me you might find your story here next week (do not worry I will give you a cute nickname too.)  Have a great weekend ~ MB

“Amateur Night”

I have heard people refer to the night before Thanksgiving as “Amateur Night”. This refers to a drinking night that attracts crowds that do not usually imbibe. That night, many moons ago PB and I planned a night out in the city. It was the first and the last time I ever had “bottle service” at an establishment. For those of you not familiar with the term, it refers to renting a table at a nightclub. The table comes complete with a bottle of vodka accompanied by warm juice mixers. The obscene price tag on the “service” is about six times the retail cost of the bottle. I digress. An entourage of PS’s friends attended that night including his sister; let us call her Darling, and her husband, who shall be known as Snoopy.

If you read my last entry about dating and family, you were introduced to the main players. You have an idea of the dynamic between Darling, Snoopy and PB. In summary, Darling is a spoiled child in an adult body who needs the constant attention and affection from her brother and her husband. For Darling this had never been a problem until I started dating PB and his time and affection was as a result, shared.

City law at the time banned smoking in the establishment. PB, Snoopy and Darling were outside enjoying a smoke at the end of the night. I on the other hand, was waiting in a bathroom line rivaling the Great Wall of China. After finishing inside, I went outside to collect my group and head home. In the smoking area, I found Darling in a compromising position. Two men had approached her and asked to take her picture. Darling was a very attractive girl in a very short skirt so it was no surprise that she attracted male attention. Instead of refusing the picture, she called for Snoopy and PB to intervene. Meanwhile, I realized our jackets were in the coat check inside. Welcoming a break from her drama, I went back into retrieve them and returned in a matter of minutes.

Back on the sidewalk, I found the situation had escalated. Darling was crying and Snoopy was trying to comfort her. Apparently, the idea of having her picture taken by random people was so emotionally devastating she caved under the trauma. Now you have to understand, PB had a blazing temper. The idea that someone had made Darling upset infuriated him. The tough guy switch was flipped and he confronted the creepers head on. PB was a burly man, so it was strange when the two men did not back down to his intimidations. In fact, it seemed that they wanted to fight as they egged PB on. Of course, I played the roll of the dutiful girlfriend trying to calm PB and convince him to go home. However, there was another voice in PB’s ear that night. The voice of Darling, the poor innocent victim who had been made to cry on her big night out.

The rest of the incident played out quickly and my memory is foggy regarding the details. PB and the men started to engage in a fistfight. One of the men had a knife and used it to stab PB twice in the back while PB remained entangled in fisticuffs with the other. When I saw this, I tried to psychically intervene and was thrown to the ground. Snoopy had also tried to intervene while Darling sat on the curb hysterically crying. My secondary reaction was to find someone on the street with a cell phone to alert the police and medics. The two men fled the scene upon hearing sirens in the distance and I ran up the street towards the flashing lights to flag down the ambulances and police cars. PB was conscious and I told him that Snoopy and I would go with the police to find the men that stabbed him. A still frantic Darling, I assumed, would accompany PB to the hospital and comfort him while he was treated.

From the back seat of the police car, Snoopy and I recounted what happened and gave the officers our description of the men. Another patrol car in the area spotted the men and we drove by to confirm their identities. Once the men were in custody, Snoopy and I went back to the Precinct. We formally gave our statements all the while asking for status updates on PB’s condition. The officers told us that both victims were stable and we would be taken to the hospital to see them shortly. Wait…two victims? Only PB was stabbed and the other two men were in jail. Who is the second victim? Did you guess? Yes, folks, Darling had her own ambulance ride complete with hospital exam.

When we arrived at the hospital, the emergency room nurse explained that Darling was discharged immediately and PB’s wounds were still under evaluation. Doctors had to be sure that the knife did not penetrate any vitals before they stitched the openings. I wanted to see PB but the staff explained that Darling would need to come out of the emergency room in order for me to come in. A nurse offered to ask Darling to swap places. When the nurse returned, she told me Darling refused to leave the emergency room. She took pity on me in light of Darling’s inability to compromise and let me in despite the fact that PB’s guest list was already at capacity. I never spoke to PB alone as Darling inserted her presence into every moment of that night. She referenced her own “injuries” and would not let us forget that she was just as much the victim that night.

In the midst of the tragic events came true enlightenment. It was as if a higher power was giving me the extreme scenario to show me that this relationship would never work out. I would always play a secondary role to Darling and I would grow more and more resentful as time went on. I am sure that there is a woman out there who would love PB enough to deal with the drama of Darling, but I knew I was not that woman. You have to be honest with yourself even when the truth hurts and walk away from an unsuitable situation. Family is family and Darling and PB’s relationship formed long before he met me. I could not demand that he cut her cord and change the dynamics of their co-dependency. I had to choose to accept it or move on. In hindsight, I should have acted on those earlier cues, the warning signs that I was not compatible with PB’s family.

Respect your significant others family situation. If you cannot see yourself as a part of that picture…it might be time to reevaluate your relationship.

Dating and Family…why a Pizza Bagel is not for everyone.

Being an only child, I will never truly have the experience of a sibling relationship.  Close friends and cousins are the most intimate family-like relationships I have as a comparison basis.  So imagine my surprise when my college beau, Pizza Bagel, had a brother/sister bond so tight it collapsed our long-term relationship.  I spent many years hating on Pizza Bagel’s sister and blaming her for the demise of my longest lasting relationship.  These days I rise above my general distain and thank my lucky stars I purged my life of her even thought that meant ending things with Pizza Bagel.  Remember folks…you may not realize it, but you are/will be in a relationship with their family too.

I met Pizza Bagel (PB for short) in college.  Talk dark and handsome, I was intrigued by looks complimented with a strong personality.  PB was worldly and introduced me to international cuisines and element of cultures I had not yet encountered.  Young, naïve and amazed that college men would even speak to me made the attention from PB enough to sweep me off my feet.  It was your typical college romance fueled with keg stands and beer pong, the stuff of true romance.  I kid.  I kid.

As the relationship progressed, I pushed to understand more about PB’s family and his life back at home.  He guarded this information and was very hesitant to introduce me to his family (red flag).  There was evidence that he had a strained relationship with his parents and alternately, a very close relationship to his sister.  In the future, I would find out that his Mom had personal problems that affected his childhood.  As a result, his main confidant and closest family member became his sister.  In college, the details about PB’s past were not clear but it was evident that in order for the relationship to pan out in the long term, his sister would need to approve.  Had I been a more seasoned dater, I might have realized that PB’s lack of willingness to introduce me to his family after a year of dating was a bad sign. 

When I moved to New Jersey after college it was to pursue my career, PB had also established himself in that area and we were still dating.  Although we did not live together, we were in close proximity to each other and his family.  It was at this stage that I was exposed to them on a regular basis.  My relationship budding with PB’s sister became complicated almost immediately.  She was the jealous type that needed to be the center of attention.  (Google “Histrionic Personality Disorder”).  For eample if I wore something new she would pout over her lack there of said something.  She had husband that was totally enthralled with her, yet she craved PB’s constant attention and affection.  This was uncomfortable for me and she started to feel like the “other woman.”

At that point I knew I could deal with PB’s mother, personal problems included, and even with PB’s dad and his stand-off-ish attitude.  That would not make or break our joint existence.  However, the events of one night changed everything.  PB’s sister’s need for attention resulted in a violent attack on PB and the injuries sustained were not just harmful to PB but to the fate of our future.  Tomorrow’s post will tell that story in detail.

No one’s family is perfect and if you do find a partner with a family you love then you are truly among the blessed.  The hope for most relationships is that you get along with your partners family and at least have a bond based on respect and your mutual love interest.  The point here is that you cannot deem a partner a potential marriage candidate until you meet and get to know the family of which he or she is a part. 

Dating down..an email from Rocker Boy’s Mom

I hope you enjoyed yesterday’s blog, which touched on love, money and what I find two people really need to have in common.  Stemming from that story, I happened upon and old email from Rocker Boy’s Mom in the aftermath of our relationship.  I thought that you might find it interesting/amusing.  The final straw in our relationship was an evening that he decided to read my emails. The breach of privacy coupled with our lack of potential as a couple put and end to the relationship.  It was the last toddler-like episode I could manage.  Take a gander at the correspondence; it provides a unique glimpse into what I was really tolerating in my life at the time…

 —–Original Message—–

From: Rocker Boy’s Mom

Sent: Wednesday, Wednesday, a long time ago

To: MB

Subject: Disbelief and Sadness

Dear MB,

Are you O.K.?  Between what happened with you and Rocker Boy, and the health crisis of your grandmother, this past weekend must have been just awful for you.  I ‘ll keep your grandmother , and your family in my prayers, at this difficult time.  I am absolutely in shock about you and Rocker Boy breaking up.  I really do love you like another daughter, and to tell you the truth, I am so upset, I even cried.  

Maybe right now you both should take a break from living together, but to completely stop seeing each other, knowing that there is a great deal of love between you, would be a shame.  You know,  

MB, Rocker Boy is very hurt, as I am sure that you are too.  You guys have a long, loving history between you, isn’t that worth fighting for?  Try and put yourself in Rocker Boy’s shoes.  I f he didn’t love you, he would not had reacted as he did.  No matter what happened,  you both can get through this.  Rocker Boy does not know I am  writing this e- mail. Please e-mail me back.  I am truly  ; (

Love,

Rocker Boy’s Mom

—–Original Message—–

From: MB

Sent: Wednesday, a long time ago

To: Rocker Boy’s Mom

Subject: RE: Disbelief and Sadness

Hi Rocker Boy’s Mom,

I am glad you emailed me because I wanted to thank you and Rocker Boy’s Dad for always being nice to me and treating me like a part of your family.  I will never forget your love and generosity. 

As far as the relationship with Rocker Boy goes, I am not sure that I will be able to forgive him this time.  He accused me of cheating on him (with a guy who is gay) and read my personal emails with his friend Dork Nugget.  They twisted my words and made it seem like I was cheating when I really had just made some good friends (which was the purpose of me doing the play in the first place).  Dork Nugget encouraged this thinking because Dork Nugget is unhappy about his recently failed relationship.  Misery loves company and Dork Nugget wanted a friend to be in the same boat.  Rocker Boy actually fell for this despite the fact that the emails clearly state that NOTHING romantic was going on.

When I came home and saw that he took things from the apartment that I paid for, like the couch pillows and the hanging mirror, I was appalled.  I am sure that you know that I have been beyond generous to Rocker Boy and always contributed to the things in our home.  For him to steal from me when he owes me $721.95 is inexcusable.  I paid off some of his credit card debt during the end of February (totaling $821.95) and after repaying me $100 he stopped the reimbursement. In addition, he did not pay the last month’s rent. So, you would think that he would leave some of our joint possessions behind, knowing that he was still greatly in debt to me. 

Also, I am not sure if you know but he wrote a horrible message to me on the bathroom mirror.  My father was with me when I found it and he was shocked and upset to say the least.  Especially, since he knows that what Rocker Boy was alleging was not true. How would you feel if someone wrote that about Mandy or took things that belonged to her when he owed her hundreds of dollars? My Dad cannot except that someone would do something so hateful and cruel to someone that they supposedly love.

I just think that he stooped too low this time.  By moving out, taking my things and exploiting my generosity, he has crossed the line and proven to me that he is not mature enough to handle our relationship, let alone a marriage.  He disgraced me with his truly dishonorable actions.

Although I love you and Rocker Boy’s Dad deeply and could never thank you enough for all your support, I do not have it in my heart to look past Rocker Boy’s irrational actions and hurtful behavior.  I am glad that I got the opportunity to tell you what happened from my perspective.  I wish only the best for him in the future but I know now that the future does not include me.

I hope someday you can understand why I feel the way I feel.  I do not want to hurt your feelings in anyway; I have only respect and love for you.

Best,

MB

I never heard back from Rocker Boy’s Mom on that email.  I guess she got the hint.  So ends my preaching on love and money for the time being. I hope you were able to take something away from the story. However, isn’t this a great segue into relationships and family?  Stay tuned my friends. The next installment is a doozie.  

PS.  Grandmom ended up being ok.