Yesterday I touched on what I deem the most serious relationship offense, cheating. My story was a trivial example and I certainly do not consider myself qualified to render advice or even truly empathize with those who have experienced a more significant infidelity issue. My purpose in blogging is to share personal experience and tell you what I have learned from my own encounters. That being said, for those of you who have lived through infidelity and come out on the other side, I have the utmost respect and admiration. What doesn’t kills us makes us stronger and in some small way I hope what I have to say in this space helps people realize that no relationship is perfect. We are all works in progress.
Today’s story is also about breaking an important relationship commandment, “Thou shall not test thy partner.” I am not sure if all women are guilty of this offence, but I, myself, am. Like most of my flaws, I think that this has roots in insecurity. In many cases, I tested my partner in the hopes I would discover his undying loyalty. I have said one thing and meant another, expecting my partner to read between the lines. Again, we shall travel back to a time when I was a less seasoned dater. The time was college and the boyfriend was PB.
It was October, and my birthday was upon us. This fall proceeded the summer when we made our relationship official. My birthday was on a Friday and I was excited to see what PB had planned. Since we regularly went out and celebrated our college friend’s birthdays, I was sure PB had something special in store for me. A few days prior to my birthday, PB asked where I would like to have dinner on the day. I gleefully chose a Mexican restaurant; we would start the night off with margaritas! It would be festive way to begin the night, since we would surely head to a bar after dinner. What would I wear, whom would I invite? It was then PB dropped bomb. His best friend from home apparently shared the same birthday and PB was headed up North after our dinner.
I was devastated and crushed. It would have been my first birthday with a boyfriend and I really thought that PB would plan something special. I expected that his girlfriend’s birthday would take precedence over his friend’s birthday. This had to be some sort of joke. He was not really leaving town, he must have been planning some sort of surprise. I lied and told PB to go ahead and leave town on my birthday to celebrate. I told him that I was ok with the situation, even though I did not mean it. I was verbally giving PB my blessing but my expression and body language was telling him I was not happy. My goal was to get PB to read between the lines and choose me over his friend. Surely he would see the error of his ways.
This is an example of testing someone. You know what you really want them to do in a given situation but you tell them what they want to hear or tell them the opposite of what you desire. You believe that you are testing their loyalty and level of commitment. But, really you’re asking them to be a mind reader. If you do not say what you mean and mean what you say then you are asking for trouble. This goes double with women to men. Most men I know are very literal. If you tell them that you do not want anything for Christmas or that you are ok with him going to the strip club, he is going to take that at face value. Men are not as analytical and do not always read between the lines.
I learned this lesson the hard way. After my birthday dinner back at PB’s apartment, he packed his bags and headed for the door. At the sight of this, I burst into tears. PB was stunned because I had assured him there was no problem. I accused him of knowing that I really wanted him to stay and that in his heart he should have known I needed him. My hysterical outburst had no effect. PB already purchased a bus ticket and he was heading back to his hometown. He left me in disarray; I returned to my dorm room and threw a first class hissy fit. PB failed the test and left me high and dry on my birthday. I told my roommate I planned to break up with him for the offense. How could he?
When my phone rang, I was too emotional to speak. My best friend and roommate took the call. It was PB; he wanted to see how I was doing. My best friend was honest and told him I was an irrational, inconsolable mess (of my own making). I could not hear the conversation but he apparently asked her if he should come back. She told him that I said I was ending our relationship based on the events of the night. He told the bus driver to pull over and got off the bus, he was a little more then an hour away from school. My roommate offered to pick him up. He was waiting on a random street corner for close to two hours before she arrived to get him.
I had done the most selfish thing imaginable. I lied about my true feelings and expectations willing PB to read my mind. When he did not I ruined his plans and caused him to let his friend down on his birthday. Now his friend would experience disappointment on his birthday. It was monumentally immature and colossally ridiculous of me. My test did nothing but prove that I was juvenile and disrespectful of PB’s commitments outside of our relationship. I am regretful for many things I have done in my life; but I am also ashamed of this one.
It is important to respect your partner and part of that respect is being honest with your feelings. I am happy to share this story with you today because the embarrassment it brings me is a present day reminder not to test my love ones. If you need something from your relationship, you have to put it out in the open. Even if your needs are petty, like my college birthday party, you need to be honest about them. Signals and metaphors will not do the trick and if your significant other really cares about you then they will be willing to compromise to work towards a solution. Follow this commandment because when you test your partner, only you fail.
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